Help for $35

“It’s this, don’t you see,” said Stepan Arkadyevitch, “you’re very much all of a piece. That’s your strong point and your failing. You have a character that’s all of a piece, and you want the whole of life to be of a piece too - but that’s not how it is. You despise public official work because you want the reality to be invariably corresponding all the while with the aim - and that’s not how it is. You want a man’s work, too, always to have a defined aim, and love and family life always to be undivided - and that’s not how it is. All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life is made up of light and shadow.”

Leo Tolstoy, “Anna Karenina”, 1873

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Dear Alex,

What can you say when you see someone dying - not in body but in living?

Tragic? Pity? Wait and see?

Well, what can you not say when you see one living but dying still?

Um... Is that not the same shade of questions?

What you say, or not say, matters little compared to why. The context or background, circumstance and chance, of your saying anything or nothing at all divide light from shadow, disperse chaos from order, spill hope out of a pill box. An island of reasons, your choice to watch and speak - or speak about watching or watch the speaker watching - becomes the very choice of speaking for no reason. You just can’t help it though a few words or farts to defend or extend a cause in a sea of chats may portend more regrets than resolve.

Not too long ago, I would not have said I would be getting a crutch. It’s just not how I see myself living in speech or watch. But over these several weeks of social distancing, my running on treadmill in gym to now jogging on road has aggravated my arthritic knee in need of a non-weight bearing aid.

So I got help from Amazon and for $35 I got my answer for my poor joint in its thriving state of pain. I bounced from knob to foot in alternating steps, agile and charming as every dog 3-legged, “drawing a deeper common doggishness out of them”.

I may live as a dog but still living well, I guess. No need to speculate about my longevity or sanity. Watch before speaking.

My crutch stays quiet as it should, speaking all the louder of my greatness in turmoil, boldness for show, terror at rest, dying in piece and whole to see and say no more than grace.

Yours, Kate