When Did You Find Out?

“I do not want your admiration now, because I do not want your insults in the future. I bear with my loneliness now, in order to avoid greater loneliness in the years ahead. You see, loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern age, so full of freedom, independence, and our own egotistical selves.” 

― Natsume Sōseki, Kokoro

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Dear Kate,

When did you first find out adults were only bluffing?

That they don't really know as much they make themselves out to, don't care as much, don't think as much, don't do as much, and if they could choose, they would choose like you, a child, selfishly and thoughtlessly, both perfectly affordable for being acceptable, even recommendable because no more is expected of them, least of all by themselves?

When did you first find out your English teacher actually didn't know or care much about Shakespeare? your preacher the Bible and theology? your parents order and discipline and integrity? your doctor health or wellness or human flourishing?

If you can't remember when, then congratulations, the transition has been smooth, your sliding into adulthood with casual grace and easy charm, invited no protest from people and no groaning of the world, bluffing yourself into a derivatively unique existence, not so much undistinguished as indistinguishable, for the sake of our togetherness, apart.

Mine has been smooth.  Shit that came out of my mouth.

Yours, Alex