December Prayer

Dear Kate,

Another Advent prayer I found myself praying everyday in December, every ruthless words mine, salvaged from a world in ruins:

Dear Lord, help me

to not be held hostage by the joylessness of this world

    which is hopelessness

    which is joylessness

    hostile to every baby Jesus that is asking to be born;

that I would resist the violence

    but violently if I must.

    (Must there, the bitter cup?)

The bloody hills on which I die shall be many

    (my doubt about vaccine not one of them

    on a backward boat cruise not one for the ages or the aged.)

Help me to stand where you would 

                                where you did

                                where you are,

    at the crossroads

    roads with crosses

    rows of crosses

        crossing out your everlasting Amen to the Father

            the Yes and Yes and Yes of life, to life, from Life

        cancelling out your gift 

            wrapped in swaddling clothes

            lying in a manger

                wood for a slow death

                textile a quick burial

                two signposts for those who seek

                joy and hope for those who are found.

I am fighting and I am not

please tell me which is which;

confuse me with ambiguity if there's where mystery lies,

but never indifference, never cowardice, never self-pity;

help this traitor to not betray you again--

    I had blood on my hands and now they are coming for mine.

Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.

In the name of your Son, my Deliverer,

Amen.