Brilliant

“Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement...get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is phenomenal; everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed.”

― Abraham Joshua Heschel

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Dear Kate,

How does it feel to wake up every morning just to discover, again, that you are the most brilliant person on earth?

A megalomania he must be, you suppose?  Yes, if he arrives at the conclusion after doing all the necessary comparisons.  (Let's not question how he does that; after all, he is deranged.)

What does it make him, though, if he feels this way because he realizes no comparison is necessary?  To restate his case, maybe what he means is that he feels as brilliant as humanly possible, he the human, the only possibility his humanity.

Still there's arrogance in him, don't you think?  What does he mean, that he feels "perfect"? at one with truth, beauty, and goodness? that he is good enough for all purposes?  How dare he to feel better about himself than we ourselves!

What was once the conviction of sin is now the conviction of vulnerability that one must admit, to demonstrate her being properly human.  I-once-was-blind-but-now-I-see or I-once-was-lost-but-now-am-found is jumping to the conclusion, a "premature eschatology."  Now we need to confess we are weak and shall continue to be.  God or whatever higher power might pick us up like a drag on smoking magic or a long-deprived vacation, but only very temporarily.  We should expect ourselves to feel like shit again the next morning.

And most mornings.

Emo is the only way to express we are sincerely, authentically, unthreateningly human.  Our solidarity with humanity our doubts, our despairs, our diseases.  Try to feel any better you risk losing touch with how everyone else feels.  Listen to people's pain and listen again and listen only.  Nothing can be done about it and nothing shall be.  Any suggestion is too suggestive.  The only good news is we are here to affirm your belief that there's only bad news - or occasionally, very occasionally, something less bad (let's not jump to the unwarranted conclusion to call it "better").

If I am not sinful (or call it "nothing wrong with me fundamentally") but I am weak, then it must be something or more likely someone else doing bad things to me.  On the level pertaining to my very essence, the case of my sorry humanity can't be on my case.  So someone else must be responsible for my haplessness, my helplessness, my hopelessness.  There are bad apples and we must pick them out and pluck them out.  A better future can only be possible with less bad people walking around, their eradication, elimination, extermination.  Let the justice warrior in us all fight to that end, externalize our angst to address the troubles out there, kick something, anything, the thornier the bigger the kick for our pride and purpose.

How does it feel to wake up every morning just to discover, again, that you are the most brilliant person on earth?  I meant to tell you that.

Yours, Alex